Wednesday, August 16, 2006

He’s No Aquaman!

Fantastic Four #4 introduces Prince Namor, the SUB-MARINER. 

Let me be clear up front before discussing this issue.  I hate the Sub-Mariner.  I think he was created as a lightning-rod to absorb all the excess hatred of humanity, so that we could ultimately live in peace together.  Sadly, the plan did not work, and we were left with a bunch of loathsome comics featuring this punk. 

Full disclosure having been made, let’s take a look at FF #4:

There he is, the bastard.  Running away with poor Sue Storm!  A few points are worth making about this cover before we really start to lay into this guy. 

First: Note the Torch’s admonition that it is urgent to catch Sub-Mariner before he reaches the water.  Fair enough.  But did anyone notice he’s IN THE WATER ALREADY?  That may pose a problem. 

Second: If the Torch is in such a hurry to catch this guy, why is he circling back and flying in loops to slow himself down?

Third: What about Mr. F?  Wouldn’t this be a good time to stretch out his arms rather than practice his dragon-claw technique?

Fourth: Why hasn’t the Thing caught up to them?  He’s wearing waterproof galoshes, for pete’s sake!

Fifth: I’m not even going to get into the Sub-Mariner’s eyebrows, haircut, ears, or footwings.  Those are easy targets that surely have received derision from others more articulate than I.

Enough about the cover.  Let’s get to the heart of the matter.  The story begins with the Torch on hiatus from the FF for reasons that are not entirely clear.  All we know is that the Torch is “thru” with the FF. 

See, that wasn’t a typo.  The Torch was anticipating netspeak!  More proof that Kirby and Lee were far ahead of their time.

So the crew is out looking for the Torch.  On the way, Sue stops for a soda.

Sue really, really likes soda. 

After some twists and turns, we ultimately find the Torch in what appears to be a homeless shelter for superheroes.  By nothing but PURE HAPPENSTANCE, he picks up an old Sub-Mariner comic to read!

Torch seems not to mind the creepy dude staring at him. 

Anyways, a mysterious, grizzled, hairy strongman in the shelter draws the attention of Torch and the others.  After fighting with some of the other vagrants, the strongman for reasons unknown decides to let the Torch give him a makeover. 

That’s some pretty good work by the Torch.  As it turns out—again, by PURE HAPPENSTANCE—this grizzled dude turns out to be the Sub-Mariner.  Unfortunately, he has amnesia.  But the Torch realizes that the ocean might cure what ails poor Namor.

Sub-Mariner regains his memory and finds that his underwater kingdom has been destroyed.  He blames the humans, which isn’t an unreasonable assumption.  C’mon, who else did it:  the seahorses?

One might argue that the Sub-Mariner is a bit ungrateful.  But it’s hard to blame him for being in a bad mood, given that he seems to be wearing the same briefs he wore decades earlier.  Good thing he’s rinsing off in the ocean. 

Long story short, Sub-Mariner tries to get revenge on the humans by enlisting some monstrous assistance.  Said assistance gets walloped by the FF, principally because the Thing CARRIES A NUKE INTO THE GULLET OF THE MAIN MONSTER.  (I just thought that merited all caps.)

Sub-Mariner has behaved like a jackass, but at least he seems to be motivated by principle:  he believes his people have been destroyed by the humans, and therefore retribution is warranted.  Even if he’s wrong, it’s hard to completely fault his perspective, right?  But then Sub-Mariner encounters poor Sue Storm.

That’s either some poor coloring, or Sue was REALLY frightened by Namor’s grasp. 

Apparently Namor’s sturdy principles of justified revenge are subservient to the overriding principle of “OMG hottie!” Sadly, in a mere page or two, Sub-Mariner confirms that he is just a dickhead.  A pointy-headed, widows-peaked, manicured-eyebrows, scaly-briefs, wing-footed dickhead.  The rest of the FF is not amused and tries to tackle him.

There’s some fighting involving accusations of clodhood.  Serious stuff.  It ends up with the Torch creating a whirlwind that picks up Sub-Mariner and deposits him in the middle of the sea.  Sub-Mariner vows that he will return.  Oh yes, he will return.  Much to our dismay.  Over.  And over.  Again.